As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
She bit a glass in half.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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