Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
