Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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