guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
