we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
