"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
