someone threw a dead crab at me
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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