Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
