Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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