remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
it hurts more in the daytime
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
