im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
