I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
