I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I got inside last night via doggy door
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize