I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
