Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
