My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
