Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
