Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
