@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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