yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
