This girl is more easily done than said...
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
