cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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