Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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