I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
