went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize