We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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