His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
