You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
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