Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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