I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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