i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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