dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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