We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
