im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
One more sleep until playoffs, Canucks are back this year, you bet your ass I'm going to uphold the tradition of being the 90 lb girl that fights every hairy ass Bruins fan at BWW.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
