The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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