i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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