Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize