i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Boobs speak an international language.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
