I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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