I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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