i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
