Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Randomize
