Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
