I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
