dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
