I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
