Four minutes until I can fart!
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
