In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
