i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
