i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
