Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
