those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
