i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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