I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
