I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize