I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
