i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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