Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
"it" just moved
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
